Veterans Day is about Connection and Gratitude

There is nothing basic about it:

“Move, you knuckleheads!”  was the first communication our company of basic training recruits received from our new drill sergeants (or drills, for short).  I was prepared for this first official moment of basic training, but the sound of our drills screaming as we exited the cattle trucks—our official mode of transported—still got my heart rate up. 

We were put into hasty formations and held all of our standard issued gear in overpacked bags for what seemed to be several hours.  Our drills walked up and down the ranks searching for unsuspecting soldiers showing any sign of weakness or lack of attention…there was blood in the water, and the drills were ready to feed in the form of in-your-face yelling.  This introductory event is affectionately called a shark attack, and it was common to see soldiers cry at the sight and sound of the controlled affront.   

Within a few weeks of challenging training and the general challenging setting of our basic training, things changed.  There was some downtime during basic training, which revolved around our meals.  While we typically only had five minutes to eat in the chow hall, there was more time to break bread in the field and we utilized the time to get to know each other.  As a group we began to bond, an experience that may have been highly correlated on our reliance upon each other during training tailored to challenge its participants. 

We placed trust in each other to execute our individual battle drills with the ultimate goal of working together to become an effective fighting force.  We also counted on each other for motivation to complete each day and for squaring each other away.  When the suck factor was high, like when we navigated the confidence course, the night infiltration course or when we built and occupied a mud-ridden foxhole, I found strength in my fellow soldiers and thought to myself, “if they can hack it, then so can I.”

Long-lasting friendships were cultivated, and, on a personal level, the seeds of two friendships that have spanned over thirty years were planted. 

Two men for all seasons:

One of the basic training friendships was cultivated with a Californian named Julio.  A physical training (PT) stud that can do it all well, from running, to pushups and sit ups, his internal battery was long lasting.  He was an asset to our Sand Hill Platoon for both his ability and disposition.

Julio was arguably the happiest person in our platoon, but also one of the toughest.  Our Drill Sergeants were well-known across Sand Hill for being very tough on trainees and when he got in trouble for something with our leadership, he would stand at parade rest with a Cheshire cat grin on his face.  It may have seemed a stress response, or perhaps that he was just having fun with our cadre, but when he was getting yelled at by our drills, that smile was always there.  Even when leadership had enough and smoked him with an unyielding barrage of pushups and flutter kicks, that smile was plastered on his face. 

After finishing up kitchen police duty one evening, I found myself heading back to our barracks and walked to my bunk, which was close to the drill sergeant’s office.  I could hear one of our drills say, “I bet you’re smiling under there, aren’t ya?”  This was followed by Julio responding with “yes drill sergeant” in a loud, yet muffled retort.  I looked over into the office and could see Julio doing pushups in perfect form while wearing his protective gas mask, or pro-mask.  This particular drill had a tremendous sense of humor and was likely tired of seeing that ever-present grin.

Another long-lasting friendship was forged with a Hoosier named Tim.  Standing six feet, five inches tall, he quickly became known for being a running and road marching juggernaut.  He also was known for having a dry sense of humor, that grew on me over the weeks.  A good sense of humor in challenging settings like Infantry basic training was as valuable as the rare poundcake in our MREs.  He had a way of telling stories interwoven with original and memorable catch phrases that were creative, energetic, and would always leave you in stitches. 

Our experience at Sand Hill ended with a comprehensive field training exercise (or FTX).  We dug our first foxholes, dealt with trigger happy drill sergeants that loved testing our firing lanes in the middle of the night, and absorbed a healthy amount of dirt and mud into our uniforms.   

The FTX culminated with a movement to daylight, where we walked all night carrying our gear and weapons from the FTX training area to our barracks.  It was a long jaunt, spanning eight or so hours at a healthy pace just south of three miles per hour.  It was a challenging night, but one of the things that made it easier is looking to my left and seeing Tim on the far side of the road, stepping it out and maintaining his pace.  I looked both in front of him and behind him and everyone was doing the same.  All of my fellow-platoon members were making it happen, one step at a time, regardless of the suck factor and it gave me the resolve to continue.  “I they can do it, so can I”, became my internal mantra.  We walked all the way until daybreak and earned our cross rifles and blue chords, the hallmarks of a US Army Infantryman.

From Georgia to Alaska:

The three of us serendipitously made our way to the same Infantry Company in Alaska.  Arriving in the Last Frontier, we found a good set of window drapes in our barracks rooms went a long way, as the amount of daylight we had to deal with in the waning summer days was striking. 

While the three of us became part of Charlie Company, we were placed under different leadership, with Tim going to First Platoon, me going to Second Platoon, and Julio finding himself in Third Platoon.  Even though we weren’t spending as much time together at work or in the field, we were on the same garrison, field and deployment schedules and collocated in the same building. 

Julio would invite me over to his home for dinner during our Alaska days.  We’d enjoy a fantastic Peruvian meal prepared by his wife and spend quality time playing with his young son and his toddler toys.  These visits always felt like I was spending time with family.  Being so far from my own family, it seemed quite natural.

Julio and I signed up for a 10k race that took place during a warm summer day across the backwoods areas of our base.  He was always a faster distance runner than me, yet I found myself working to stay stride for stride with him.  After a few kilometers, my lungs and legs burned and I inched towards a blackout moment or two.  My pace slackened some about four kilometers into the event, but Julio wasn’t having it.  He egged me on in a stark, yet brotherly way that only he could pull off.  I did my best to push through and regain the pace.  We finished the run in just under 40 minutes, a pace that I doubt would have been sustained if he wasn’t there, pushing me to do my best.

While Julio lived across base in family military housing, Tim and I lived in the barracks together.  The two of us were pretty inseparable while in garrison.  Company formation marked the end of the work day, and we’d either head over to the chow hall, order a food delivery or—if we were lucky enough to get a ride from one of our company buddies—head into town to hit a restaurant.  We’d often watch movies in the company of some of our other buddies in our barracks and talk about any anything and everything, from light-hearted topics such the pain of watching Troma films to more substantive topics like home life and military aspirations.  

Tim made it back to the Midwest shortly before my tour ended, giving me the opportunity to visit him on my long drive home to Long Island.  I reached his childhood home on a warm summer evening 1998.  We grabbed dinner and a few beers at the local public house and hit a few golf balls into his backyard cornfields the following morning.  Tim helped me with an oil change on my Ford Bronco before the last leg of the journey, for which I was grateful.

Tim and Julio were my two oldest friends during my military service, and like many of the soldiers I served with, became like family.  We broke bread together, helped each other when in need and survived shared challenges that most people never experience.  We even avoided discussions on politics and religion, a tactic that helps many families keep the peace.

The strength of friendships in a military setting:

There is a good amount of information out there summarizing why military relationships often grow into familial bonds.  Here are just a few for thought:

-        Shared Challenges and Adversity: service member relationships are codified through the barrage of physical and mental challenges the face.  In the life and death situations that arise, they can develop a trust and loyalty to each other rather quickly and intensely.  It’s because their life could depend on it;

-        Interdependence: a well-trained and disciplined unit is greater than the sum of its parts, and a collective identity springs forth codifying team cohesion, shared purpose, and interpersonal reliance;

-        Breaking Bread: be it in garrison or on deployment, members of the same unit often eat together.  Just like families who eat dinner together every night, troops who share mealtime end up having less stress, stronger relationships and improved wellbeing;

-        Humor: a quick wit can be an antidote for a myriad of symptoms associated with challenges and adversity.  A good laugh is a hallmark of emotional support that servicemembers can provide to each other;

-        Battle Buddies: team cohesion borne of shared challenges and adversity and often leads to trust between teammates.  It can be as easy as helping your buddy through a tough run or helping them with an oil change.  Giving your time and efforts to your teammates benefit both parties and its reciprocity is arguably the highest form of bonding I have seen in a military setting.

Why strong friendships are good for you, and your friends:

A study by Pezirkianidis et al., 2023* investigated the relationship between adult friendships and wellbeing.  This meta-analysis reviewed 38 peer-reviewed research articles published between 2000 and 2019.  The researches found that friendship quality and the act of socializing with friends predicted wellbeing levels.  Furthermore, the number of friends, support of friend's autonomy, and efforts to maintain friendships were found to be positively correlated with wellbeing.  Other important findings reported were large and well-integrated friendship networks are a source of wellbeing for adults and efforts to maintain these friendships were positively correlated with wellbeing levels.

An article by Abrams, 2023* explored the relationship between  friendship and  health.  They reported that research on this topic suggests that stable, healthy friendships are critical for wellbeing and longevity.  The author relates that friendships protect us in part by changing the way we respond to stress, and, as an example, lower blood pressure was reported in study subjects when interacting with a supportive friend over an acquaintance.  The article reported that individuals who have close friends and confidants are more satisfied with their lives and are less likely to endure depression.  They also have a lower mortality rate related to all causes, including heart problems and a range of chronic diseases. 

On the other side of the conversation, Abrams reported that loneliness among people who lack meaningful friendships, romantic partnerships, or other relationships increases risk for heart attack, stroke, and premature death.  A final thought reported by this article was that loneliness increases the risk of early death by as much as 26%.

The challenges of post-service friendships:

Making meaningful relationships in a post-service setting can be challenging for Veterans.  This could be in part related to the reasons why their military relationships are or were so strong.  Shared challenges and adversity are rare in post-service scenarios, and the bonding that was the product of these experiences can inhibit relationship growth with non-Veterans.  Visceral military experiences like jumping out of airplanes, repelling from helicopters, or taking fire from an enemy is rare to nonexistent in civilian life.  Not only are these situations strikingly uncommon in a post-military setting, but they can be an important part of a Veteran’s strength and identity and non-Veterans not sharing in those experiences may serve to further divide Veteran and non-Veterans and inhibit friendships or friendship strength. 

The value of long-term friendships for Veterans:

When Americans join the Armed Services, they come from all over the U.S. and its territories to work in a single place with a common mission.  Once their service is complete, they once again disperse and often find difficulty in maintaining these connections, regardless of how strong they were.

Julio, Tim and I went decades without communicating.  Our excuses were like many of our generation of Veterans.  Life gets busy, careers develop, families flourish, and hobbies fill the interstitial spaces between.  There were certainly less avenues for reconnection then compared to today’s parting servicemembers, but enough of excuses.

I first reconnected with Julio while planning a reunion trip four years ago.  It was an event that I was nervous for, but it was more of a nervous excitement than anything else.  Upon arriving in San Antonio and meeting up with Julio and the rest of our unit’s participants, it was as if the decades washed away and everything was just about catching up.  We had a blast together and the trip set the stage for a solid future of texting and calling each other on a regular basis, and planning more reunions.  Our reunion reforged our friendships, across the board.

Reconnecting with Tim was a more recent experience.  I found him online through his work organization and reached out in the hopes he would like to join the greater group for one of our annual reunions.  Ironically enough, he tried to find me the same way only a few weeks before by calling my old company’s headquarters and asking for me. 

We talked on the phone for more than an hour, and just like with Julio, it was as if the space and time between Alaska in the late 1990s and the present was folded and bridged. 

As with Julio, Tim and I discussed our families, careers, and outdoor recreation interests for starters.  We even had a laugh or two remembering the bygone fun times, but it was by no means the focus of our discussion. 

When the three of us talk on the phone, text, or get together, it as if our time in service together and the present disappears.  I have been grateful for our relationships and get the feeling that both Julio and Tim feel the same way.

An important theme for Veterans Day:

Veterans Day at its core is about connection and gratitude.  While the solemn day most often, and rightfully includes connecting Veterans with the greater population for a justified recognition of service and sacrifice, it is also about connecting and reconnecting Veterans with each other.

In today’s digital age, there have been great strides made in reconnecting Veterans who have served together.  A handful of different database options can be found via online search engine, which could be a great starting point for reconnection with fellow servicemembers. 

So, grab the phone and call, text, or email someone you served with this Veterans Day.  You may be surprised by the meaningful conversation that could transpire, regardless of how much time has passed since you last connected.  Doing so benefits not only your wellbeing, but your Veteran brothers and sisters in arms as well. 

* Citations from original studies can be found by following the links to the research studies online